i already hear my dad disowning me
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
