why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Randomize
