Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
