Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
