Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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