At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Randomize
