She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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