I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Randomize
