Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
