TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
