OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
