the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
