i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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