high people should be assigned attendants
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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