so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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