it hurts more in the daytime
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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