Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
