what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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