my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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