I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
