How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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