People in love make me want to vomit
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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