the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
