We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
