Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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