what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
