dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
