I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
