It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
