I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Randomize
