took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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