Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
the condom got lost in my hair
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
