9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
