Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
