he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
