Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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