I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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