How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
