barbara walters just said penis...
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
