Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
