I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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