In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
