I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
