the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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