And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
