i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I have fence marks all over my body
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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