I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
