Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Randomize
