WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
