I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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