shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
