I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
