guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
