My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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