When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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