There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I just found a bag of teeth...
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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